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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  November 9, 2016 1:45am-2:16am PST

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yeah, i think i'm gonna be okay. cool. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow canadians, what we do now as a country will hopefully be a model for others. we have all learned a tragic lesson together that though many sins are out there, when you get involved with freemium gaming, you are making a deal with the canadian devil. we will no longer make freemium games, and we will no longer make improvements to our country with money taken from addicts. canada is back to being an ethical, respected, shitty tundra. [ cheers and applause ] i'm gonna move here and here, and then i'm gonna roll to kill this zombie. okay, good idea. what are you gaywods doing? we're playing board games so that grandpa avoids the casino and i avoid freemium apps. well, all right. good for you guys. tell you what, i'll join you. board games go good with a glass of wine. that's not a glass. that's a trophy. that you won... for drinking. it's not "drinking." it's called a wine zinfandel sipping sprint, and it's competitive. get off your high [bleep] horse.
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your turn, grandpa. if you roll a five or six, you can kill these zombies. you guys want to put some money on it? [ thud! ] - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪
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- students, quiet please, m'kay. as you may or may not know, today is canada appreciation day. - oh, god, i'm bored already! - m'kay, so we've been asked to show you a video from the world canadian bureau. start the tape please. - hello, i am stephen abootman, pwesident of the world canadian bureau. do you ever stop to think how important canada is to the world? right now, i would like all students of canadian descent in this school to stand up. just look at all these fine canadians in your school. see how diverse they are.
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when you think of canada, what's the one thing that comes to mind? - gayness! [all laughing] - that's right: spirit. what is it that makes canada so important? - nothing. [all laughing harder] - my fellow canadians, for too long we have been pooshed around and ridiculed! yesterday was supposed to be a day of appreciation and understanding. instead, canada appreciation day was mocked worldwide! [all jabbering] - nobody takes us canadians seriously! - it's like the world don't respect canada at all, eh? - that's right. and i think it's time for canada to show the world just how bad things would be without it! together we can send a message. it's time for canada to strike! - did you say strike? - yes, every canadian join me! join together! - canada on strike! - canada on strike!
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all: ♪ canada ♪ canadaa ♪ canadaaa ♪ canadaaaa ♪ canada on strike ♪ canada says no more ♪ ♪ no more neglect, we want respect ♪ ♪ that's what we're striking for ♪ ♪ all you bureaucrats and corporate cats ♪ - ♪ can all just take a hike ♪ all: ♪ it's canada ♪ on strike ♪ canada on strike ♪ from vancouver to st. johns ♪ ♪ we raise our middle fingers ♪ ♪ for you all to sit upon ♪ ♪ and with our fingers up your ass ♪ ♪ you won't be very psyched ♪ ♪ it's canada ♪ on strike - ♪ and we will not bow or budge ♪ ♪ our resolve is strong - ♪ we even took three hours ♪ ♪ to rehearse this striking song ♪ all: ♪ canada on strike ♪ no matter where you are ♪ ♪ if you are canadian ♪ then you've got to do your part ♪ ♪ march out of the halls ♪ - that's right, suck my canadian balls. ♪ it's canada ♪ on strike all: ♪ it's canada ♪ canada canada ♪ on strike [man giggling]
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- uh, when you say, "canada is on strike," what exactly do you mean? - what do you think it means? we're striking, buddy! no more, that's it, until we get what we want! - who exactly are you to authorize this strike? - i am stephen abootman, leader of the w.g.a. - the w.g.a.? - yes, the world canadian bureau. - what exactly does canada want? - we want more money. - yeah, more money. - more money from where? - just more money, you know? canada doesn't get enough money! other countries have lots of money! we want-- we want some of that money! how about the internet? the internet makes lots of money! so give us some of that money! - yeah, give us internet money! - mr. abootman, you seem to not understand how global economics works. i think that-- - don't give me that fat-cat fancy lip-wiggling! are you gonna give canada more money or not?
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- i'm afraid we can't. - then you leave canada no choice. the strike shall continue! - "honk if you support canada." hey, honey, watch this. [horn honking] - oh, we're supporting unions! - that's right, we're a very progressive couple. - yes! [horn honking] oh, that's fun! - well, we've done our good deed for the week! i think now i can make love to your anus without making god angry. - oh, really? goody! - guys, i'm really worried about my brother. - we don't care. [burping] - you should care!
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this strike affects everybody, fat ass! - shh, shh, it's on! - yippie! - it's the terrance and phillip show. today's episode: "i fart huckabees." - aw, this one again! - god, they've replayed this one like 80 times now! - say, phillip, i just bought this new hybrid car. - oh, does it run on electricity? all: no, it uses natural gas. [blowing raspberry] - [laughing] - natural gas! - huh, it somehow loses its punch after multiple viewings. - god damn it, when are they gonna air new terrance and phillip shows? - there aren't gonna be new shows; don't you get it? terrance and phillip are canadian. we have to get canada to end this strike! - it's not a big deal. we can just watch american comedy. - you think that's bad? remember the time i sang "la cucaracha" for paul mccartney? - no, no! we are not resorting to that! - we want more! we want more! - one, two, three, four, canada deserves more... money! one, two, three, four,
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canada deserves more... money! - look, buddy, me and phillip need to go home for a bit. - go home? you can't leave the picket line! - but this is taking too long, and phillip is diabetic! - look, guy, we all have to stay strong! if you don't stand with your fellow canadians, then you are a rat. - don't call me a rat, buddy! - i'm not your buddy, friend! - he's not your friend, guy! - i'm not your guy, buddy! - he's not your buddy, friend! - i'm not your friend, guy! don't you two understand anything? you think striking is a joke? you think it's something to ridicule? - yeah, you think this is funny? - don't you see that we have to stand together or else we are nothing? - stephen, stephen! a call came in from the united states! they want to talk to you aboot ending the strike! - what did i tell you! i told you we'd get to them sooner or later! [all jabbering] all right, shh, shh! quiet, everyone! let me handle this... yes, this is stephen abootman, head of the w.g.a. - uh, hi. we want you to end the strike.
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- oh, you do, huh? they've had enough. they want us to end the strike! - all right! - we did it! - hooray! - we showed them! - all right, all right, shh, shh, shh, quiet, quiet. let me deal with this. all right, we're prepared to end the strike if you're agreeing that we should have more money. - we totally think you should have more money. - we got 'em! we did it! - oh, boy! - the strike is over! - i'm so relieved! - we did it, great job! - all right, how much are you gonna give us? - huh? well, we don't really have that much money. - oh, negotiating hard ball, are we? what about all that internet money? - the internet? - you listen to me, friend. you better figure out a way to get us our fair amount of money. and until you come back with a solid, fair number, i'm finished talking to you, you slimy, corporate dickhead! don't worry, don't worry, this is how negotiating works. this is good. we've got 'em by the balls. - oh, good! all right! - all right! all right!
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- what'd they say? - they said we have to give them money that we make on the internet. - how are we supposed to make money on the internet? - well, how do other people make money on the internet? - we'd have to put something up on the internet that everyone would find fascinating. - wait, i've got it. [funky beat] - ♪ i said what what ♪ ♪ in the butt ♪ i said what what ♪ in the butt ♪ i said what what ♪ in the butt ♪ i said what what ♪ ♪ in the butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ let's do it in the butt ♪ ♪ o-kay ♪ it's okay ♪ if you have a little fight ♪ ♪ don't you worry ♪ i won't bite, not that hard ♪ ♪ if you want it ♪ i'll give you power ♪ ♪ just be gentle ♪ i'm delicate like a flower ♪
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♪ give it to me ♪ if you please ♪ give it to me ♪ if you please - oh, my. ♪ what what in the butt ♪ i said what what ♪ ♪ in the butt ♪ i said what what ♪ ♪ in the butt ♪ i said what what ♪ ♪ in the butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ you wanna do it in my butt ♪ ♪ in my butt ♪ let's do it in the butt ♪ ♪ o-kay - there's more people viewing it! - this is going great! - don't worry, ike! the strike'll be over soon!
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- and in other world news, the leader of japan today is calling for an increase in military spending. - how come they haven't mentioned anything about us? when are they gonna get to the strike? - don't worry, the strike is big news. i'm sure it'll be one of the top stories. - in other news tonight, it's the internet video that has already seen over 10 million views. a young, confused-looking boy dancing and singing a song called "what what in my asshole." - tom, in just one week the video has become the most-watched thing in all of america. the boy in the video, referred to by most as "that little gay kid" has already been asked to appear on jimmy kimmel and the today show. - god damn it, that's not news! what about us? - look, uh, stephen... terrance and i were talking, and, well, it's starting to look like maybe we're not gonna win this thing, you know? - we'll win! we just have to stay resilient! - well, yeah, but everyone is dying of starvation. - yeah, let's give it up, guy.
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- don't call me your guy! i'm not your guy, fwiend! - i'm not your friend, buddy! - i'm not your buddy, guy! - wait, here it is! turn it up, we're on! - and finally tonight, a new development in the canada strike. for those of you who don't remember or don't care, canada has been striking for more money. - yeah! - all right! - there it is! shh, i told you, i told you! listen, let'-- shh--let's-let's listen. - in a shocking turn of events, it now appears that thousands of people from denmark are flooding into the united states with hopes of taking the place of the striking canadians. - what? - do you really think you danish can replace the canadians? - well, where we come from, it's pretty cold too, yeah? we like hockey and nobody really pays any attention to us. - nobody knows where denmark is. - right, so when you think about it, we're the canadians of europe. - scabs! how could you? - uh, hi. we made a really successful thing on the internet,
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and we'd like to collect our money. take a number and wait with everyone else. - ma'am, perhaps you don't recognize the internet sensation "little gay kid" from "youtoob." - take a number and wait with everyone else! - chocolate rain! - agh! - hey, i know you. you're the "what what in my asshole" kid. - "what what in the butt," sir. - it's "tron guy." i saw him on "youtoob." - yeah, sure, all the biggest internet stars are here. you remember, of course, numa numa? - ♪ my-a-hi ♪ my-a-hu ♪ my-a-ha ♪ mi-a-ha-ha - and the "star wars kid"? and the internet sensation, "cute sneezing panda." - achoo! - and there's "dramatic-look gopher." [dramatic music] - wow, i've seen all you guys on the internet!
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- so how many people have seen your internet video? - ugh, a few hundred thousand. - ha! mere peanuts. "chocolate rain" has done gangbusters. theoretically, i'm a millionaire. - dude, screw you. your internet thing is so last year. - leave "chocolate rain" guy alone! leave him alone! i'm serious! [cell phone ringing] - excuse me. hello? - you greedy, corporate fat cat. you said you would get us money. - we're working on it. - you're stalling because you think i'll give up. you know that most canadians are talking about giving up the strike already. you've got me over a barrel, and you know it! - sir, we're doing everything we can! - you want me to say it again? you've got me over a barrel. there, you happy? you've got me bent over a barrel with my tender ass just waiting to be pulverized by your thrusting manhood! do you realize how stupid i'm going to look
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if i call off the strike after starting all this? i won't do it, you hear me, guy? you're wrong! no matter what happens, i will never call off this strike. even if it means we all die. - we don't want you to die. - then you better hurry. we don't have much longer. the blood will be on your hands. - we have to speed this up. can we collect our internet money in front of you please? - i don't think so. nothing takes priority over "chocolate rain." - oh, here he goes with the ego again. who crowned you the top internet star? - i did, when i became bigger than all you bitches. - oh, please! "laughing baby" had four times as many views as you! - [laughing] - you better shuck your [bleep] mouth, "laughing baby." - did you all forget about "afro ninja"? my internet thing was bigger than anybody's. i made over 100 million theoretical dollars!
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- well, "sneezing panda" is theoretically worth billions! - you all wanna mother[bleep] die? - no! - argh! - haa! - aggh! [all grunting] - hi-yah! - [laughing] - hey, forget it, we'll wait our turn! -hi-yah! - hargh, eyaaaaa! - ♪ my-a-hi ♪ my-a-hu ♪ my-a-ha-- - leave "tron guy" alone! leave him alone! - [laughing] - aghghghgh! - get ready for some chocolate pain, bitch. - ahghghgghgh! - yah! - leave the panda alone! leave her alone! i'm serious! ahghghghghh! -ughghgh! - ahghghghghghgh!
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- thought i forgot about you, gopher? [dramatic music] - ugh, my brains... [gunshot] - sweet, i think we're next in line now.
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- stephen, stephen, they're here! they've come to negotiate! - what? you mean it? - okay, we did it. - who the hell are you? - we're the ones you told to go get internet money. - here, we made ten million theoretical dollars. it's all for you. - theoretical dollars? what am i supposed to do with that? you little time-wasters! - hey, we worked really hard to get this theoretical money. - yeah, everyone thinks i'm a homo now! - you are a homo, butters. - dude, will you just end this thing now? my little brother is gonna die! - no, i'm not gonna look like an idiot!
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if i [bleep] up and led everyone astray, the last thing i'm gonna do is admit it! [phone ringing] yes, this is the head of the w.g.a. the world canadian bureau. - ah, mr. abootman, it's the global world summit leaders. we want to talk to you about the strike. - you-you do? you want to negotiate? - no, actually, we were just wondering if when you're all dead, we can use newfoundland for a new global theme park. - [sobbing hysterically] - hello? will you just give this guy something, please? - excuse me? - he just doesn't want to look like an idiot so he needs everyone to think the strike was for something. just give him anything. - well, we could give canada some small consolation prize. - if they give you something small, will you end the strike? - will they act like they're giving canada a lot so everyone thinks i did a good job? - can you act like you're giving him a lot?


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